Confusing the cat on the holidays

Own Crayola Art! Help Kids!

Every year, my pal Ben Wagner organizes a holiday record and concert to benefit 826NYC, an organization dedicated to inspiring kids to write, and helping their teachers help them improve creative and expository writing skills. There's always a bunch of goodies to auction off for the cause as well. This year, I took out the Crayolas and drew each of this year's artists getting down Charles Schulz-style. This drawing will be one of the items available for auction. So if you're in NYC on Thursday, December 16, stop by Rockwood 2 and see a great show, help some kids, and maybe add to your Crayola wall art collection!

The Holiday Mixtapes: Back Issues

A Very Shepherd Chrismukkah: 2008 Holiday Mix

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3EIn0NOjsdJHTv5drSovuz?si=1e4fe87483a848c4

1. The Christmas Wish -- John Denver and the Muppets
2. Santa Claus Is Back In Town -- Elvis Presley
3. Christmas Blues -- Ramsey Lewis Trio
4. The Lonely Jew On Christmas -- South Park
5. Little Saint Nick -- Beach Boys
6. The Christmas Song -- Nat King Cole
7. All I Want For Chanukah (Is Hookers And Blow) -- Shwa Losben
8. Fairytale Of New York -- The Pogues
9. Merry Xmas -- Slade
10. Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight) -- The Ramones



#2009: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2JhGXzK5NKpkVcBqyg1NKc?si=64be19ef567b4b13 

1. Sultan -- What Made Milwaukee Famous
2. Hang On -- Illinois
3. Good On Paper -- Shwa Losben
4. Let It Ride -- Wes Tucker and the Skillets
5. Stay Positive -- The Hold Steady
6. I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight -- U2
7. Stronger -- Rebecca Loebe
8. Martha -- Brian Webb
9. Dracula Moon -- Joan Osborne
10. Better Alone -- Chris Cubeta and the Liars Club
11. Go -- Andy Mac
12. Constructive Summer -- The Hold Steady
13. Silverline -- Bryan Dunn
14. Clear -- Lara Ewen and the Unstrung Orchestra



Valentine's Day Mix (2010)

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5W8K0hWeCoh4DSKnbL5Kr5?si=5d067c30b80d442c

1. This Bouquet -- Ani DiFranco
2. Mulder and Scully -- Catatonia
3. Only You -- Yaz
4. Do Ya -- Matthew Sweet
5. Bad Reputation -- Freedy Johnston
6. Amy -- Shwa
7. There Tonight -- Rebecca Loebe
8. Temptation -- Moby
9. Strange Currencies -- REM
10. Blame You -- Wakey! Wakey!
11. Out To Get You -- James
12. New York City -- Taylor Davis
13. Romeo and Juliet -- Indigo Girls
14. Ballad of Emily Rose -- Bryan Dunn
15. Moment of Surrender -- U2



East Side Story: 2010 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/71sg6TNnMKDMq8ru7jD7g8?si=c542b0774c8a476a

1. I Hope You Like This Song -- Luke Wesley
2. L.E.S. (Lovely) -- Laura Jean Binkley
3. Sara With No H -- Andy Mac
4. I Could Sing -- Nate Campany and the Serenade
5. Slow Burn -- Misty Boyce
6. Flowers -- Bryan Dunn
7. One Day -- Lara Ewen
8. Take Me Out -- Atomic Tom
9. Brooklyn -- Wakey! Wakey!
10. Selline -- Tim Blane
11. I Don't Wanna Wait -- Rosi Golan
12. Worst Is Over -- Shwa Losben
13. Love Is Here To Stay -- Casey Shea

Valentine's Day Mix 2011

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5xZnw7P0b9iJBLzyVnd4F8?si=8553e0b292364587 

1. Under the Lights -- Scourge of the Sea
2. Collect Call --Metric
3. Yesterday Threw Everything at Me -- Athlete
4. The Shore -- Basia Bulat
5. Talk to You -- Brian Webb
6. missing piece -- illinois
7. Love Will Come Through -- Travis
8. What is the Light? -- Flaming Lips
9. Sad Eyes -- Josh Rouse
10. As Is -- Ani DiFranco
11. Needles and Pins -- Ramones

Whiskey and Wellbutrin: 2011 Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0gB9bnKYKzcqG9TS6lnABN?si=d9e5f23f79084911

1. Almost Everything -- Wakey! Wakey!
2. Three Years On -- Bryan Dunn
3. Reckless -- Lara Ewen
4. You Can Make Him Like You -- The Hold Steady
5. Dead Man's Saloon -- Creeper Lagoon
6. Bar on A -- Greg Holden
7. Rip Her to Shreds -- Blondie
8. The Cowboy Song -- Kelli Rae Powell
9. Fading Lately -- Katie Costello
10. Treat the Disease -- Shwa Losben
11. Pretty Boy -- Luke Wesley
12. Break My Heart Around You -- Atomic Tom
13. Star Pupil -- Abby Ahmad
14. If You Don't Mind (Baby Go Ahead) -- Alec Gross
15. World United Already -- Wheat
16. Head Full of Doubt -- The Avett Brothers
17. Whiskey and Cigarettes -- Jessi Robertson
18. You're Aging Well -- Dar Williams

Valentine's Day Mix 2012

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0N7yYIGY5aBU0FiNluJwMu?si=d43917809db44637

1. Kiss Me Deadly -- Lita Ford
2. Half Light -- Athlete
3. You and Me -- Jessi Robertson
4. Nothing's As Good -- Andy Mac
5. Cassette Tape -- Katie Costello
6. Here Is Your Ballad -- Luke Wesley
7. You, South Dakota -- Bryan Dunn
8. an open door -- illinois
9. Guy What Takes His Time -- Kelli Rae Powell
10. A Good Life -- Jill Sobule
11. Under the Moonlight -- Travis
12. Think of Me -- Rosi Golan
13. The Outlaw Song -- Lara Ewen

The Shep Hits the Fan: 2012 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6XT77Svf2xEFg3ckmWl8mQ?si=19d337ce4b4743c5 

1. Generals -- The Mynabirds
2. I Don't Believe You -- Greg Holden
3. Mayday -- Jessi Robertson
4. When Your Mind's Made Up -- Cast of Once: A New Musical
5. Love it When You Call -- The Feeling
6. Drive All Night -- NEEDTOBREATHE
7. Wrecking Ball -- Creeper Lagoon
8. Gold Guns Girls -- Metric
9. Get Used To It -- Ben Lee
10. Battered Apartments -- Luke Wesley
11. Sweetheart of the Music Hall -- Bryan Dunn
12. So Cry -- Shwa Losben (live from Rockwood Music Hall)
13. Gotta Get Up From Here -- Ellie Lawson
14. Something Bigger, Something Better -- Amanda Blank
15. Some Bridges are Good to Burn -- Kelli Rae Powell
16. Philadelphia (the City of Brotherly Love) -- We Are Augustines
17. Hang with Me -- Robyn
18. 45 -- Brian Webb
19. Going Gone -- Abby Ahmad

Everyone Says Hi: 2013 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2WqGIPKlz4Xu46Dt6ZT1Kl?si=adb399225bb2400f

1. Massive Nights -- The Hold Steady
2. Like Lightning -- Lucero
3. Brooklyn Girls -- Shwa Losben
4. Every Band We Ever Loved -- Henry Clay People
5. Yonder -- The Love Leighs
6. Litte Mascara -- The Replacements
7. Better Off Without a Wife -- Tom Waits
8. Moment for Life -- Nicki Minaj
9. In These Shoes -- Kirsty McColl
10. Nothing to Prove -- Jill Sobule
11. Like a Friend -- Pulp
12. Missing You -- Bryan Dunn
13. Lower East Side -- Justin Townes Earle
14. A Way to You -- Lara Ewen and the Unstrung Orchestra
15. Muume wa Mtu -- The Dataz
16. Lullaby for Bad Girls -- Kelli Rae Powell
17. Always Love -- Nada Surf
18. She's Got Something -- Greg Holden
19. Are You Listening? -- A City on a Lake

Annual Review: 2014 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/630gmXL4y9Bdsh74fNOEPW?si=14fcc366d74e4aef 

1. FUCKERY LEVEL 3000 -- Jean Grae
2. One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces -- Ben Folds Five
3. My Life -- Richard McGraw
4. She's So Happy Now -- Bryan Dunn
5. Bodies -- Soul Miner's Daughter
6. 17 Again -- Eurythmics
7. How to Be Your Girl -- Lara Ewen
8. Love Don't Turn Your Back on Me Now -- Jesse Ruben
9. One for My Baby (And One More for the Road) -- Stacey Kent
10. Black Dress -- Mercy Bell
11. What Makes a Good Man -- The Heavy
12. Mother Feather -- Mother Feather
13. Annie in Luck -- Shwa Losbem
14. Lipstick -- Jessi Robertson
15. Kids in NY -- The Julie Ruin
16. The Weekenders -- The Hold Steady
17. Pink Rabbits -- The National
18. The City -- The 1975
19. Here Comes a Regular -- The Replacements

Number One Single: 2015 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4BSesysoXx7cXGVJHmeZMN?si=8e7e029b8bb84bf0 

1. Kentucky Bourbon -- Murder By Death

2. Let the Good Times Roll -- JD McPherson

3. Mama Your Boys Will Find a Home -- Scissors for Lefty

4. Whatever Makes You Happy -- Jennifer Hudson

5. Bukowski -- Parlor Tricks

6. Philadelphia -- The Love Leighs

7. Can't Bring Me Down -- Awreeoh

8. underneatu -- Jean Grae

9. All Good Cowboys -- Mercy Bell

10. All the Way There -- Lara Ewen

11. New Mercedes -- Bryan Dunn

12. Sharpening the Knives -- Jessi Robertson

13. Never Too Soon To Compromise (Yourself and All Your Values!) -- Shwa Losben

14. California -- Rebecca Loebe

15. Don't Hold Your Breath -- Athlete

16. Justine -- T Bird and the Breaks

17. Don't Slow Down Zachary -- Kelli Rae Powell

18. Q&A -- Abby Ahmad

19. The Revealing -- Chris Ayer

20. Sylvia -- Pulp

This is Fine: 2016 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2feNNVSjPG8kvPMRvJ6o0G?si=f1966dfe90ab4409 

1. Everybody Wants To Rule the World -- Lorde
2. This Land is Your Land -- Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings
3. Dear Mr. Man -- Prince
4. Swingers -- Bryan Dunn
5. Natural Disaster -- Mother Feather
6. Wicked Tongue -- Fife & Drom
7. He's on the Beach -- Kirsty MacColl
8. Scared of America -- Jesse D. Ruben
9. Democracy -- Leonard Cohen
10. War Sweater -- Wakey! Wakey!
11. If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next -- Manic Street Preachers
12. My Shot -- The Roots
13. Tinsel Take Down -- Luke Wesley
14. Mr. November -- The National
15. Walk in the Park -- Parlour Tricks
16. Rock 'N' Roll Suicide -- David Bowie

Not Here For This Crap: 2017 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/user/robyniwitz/playlist/1SKoMK6NZoSmY3wtXARxmJ 

1. I'm Afraid of Americans, David Bowie
2. Clampdown, The Clash
3. Do It With a Rockstar, Amanda Palmer
4. Step Off, Kacey Musgraves
5. 76%, Jean Grae
6. Tonight Ain't Gonna Be Good, Lucero
7. She Owns the Streets, The Raveonettes
8. Get Home Safely, Kissy Girls
9. Needed Me, Rihanna
10. Stand By Me, Ki:Theory
11. Blankest Year, Nada Surf
12. Show Me, Kristin Kontrol
13. We the People..., A Tribe Called Quest
14. Marguerita, Rebecca Loebe
15. Chimpanzees, Dynamite James
16. The KKK Took My Baby Away, The Ramones
17. Alternative Ulster, Stiff Little Fingers
18. Sins of My Youth, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
19. City People, Sweet Soubrette
20. We Were Here, BOY
21.And You Get a Car! And You! And You!, Maude Gun

The Me Decade: 2018 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/user/robyniwitz/playlist/4V3Uow08Kb3HCG49vEZR8Z?si=JS-HLLC2Rd6PtehGzOE73w�

1. If You Love Me — Kate Vargas
2. New Agenda — Janet Jackson
3. Long Long Time — Guy Forsyth
4. I Want You — Fefe Dobson
5. Constellation Baby — Mother Feather
6. Dangerous — Caves & Clouds
7. Lost On Me — Abby Ahmad
8. Married Man — Rebecca Loebe
9. What’ll I Do — Nobody’s Girl
10. Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You (Texas Woman Song) — The Love Leighs
11. Queen of New York — Tancred
12. I Miss You — Kacey Musgraves
13. Outta My Way — Kasey Williams
14. She — Laura Mvula
15. Johnny Cash — Kelley McRae
16. June — Jo Kroger
17. BITS part 2: The Fear — Jean Grae
18. We Only Come Out At Night — The Sugar Stems
19. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right — Kesha

Changing Climates: 2019 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0bOUeQx1KBJZg794oPo9ie?si=afm1hp3GT0a-CG9PJ_m_tw 

1. Beautiful -- The Go-Go's

2. What's Up Danger -- Blackway, Black Caviar

3. Making the Most of the Night -- Carly Rae Jepsen

4. No Man's Land -- Karen Dahlstrom

5. The Last Wig Shop -- Lara Ewen

6. All This Useless Beauty -- Elvis Costello

7. Surfin Bird -- The Ramones

8. Eh La Bas -- Leyla McCalla

9. My Friend Has a Swimming Pool -- Mausi

10. Contigo -- Yaniza

11. Love Untold -- Paul Westerberg

12. You're Gonna Remember -- Kate Vargas

13. Ultraviolet -- E.W. Harris

14. Risk -- Metric

15. Even Though -- Shwa Losben

16. Love is All Around -- Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

This Was All So Unnecessary: 2020 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2mPq4XMcUb0w32jPbgLnLu?si=aOkks6rLQ6-oNBJ_KgOuHg

1. La Grippe -- Squirrel Nut Zippers

2. This Will All End in Tears -- Bryan Dunn

3. Losing Streak -- Jessi Robertson

4. Under the Table -- Fiona Apple

5. I Feel Like Funkin' It Up -- Rebirth Brass Band

6. You're a Dead Man -- Mother Feather

7. My Best Friend's Weddings -- The Chicks

8. The Whole World Lost Its Head -- The Go-Go's

9. Hackensack -- Fountains of Wayne

10. Hello in There -- John Prine

11. Just One Of the Guys -- Jenny Lewis

12. Antifa Dance -- Ana Tijoux

13. This Man -- Robert Clay

14. walking in the snow -- Run the Jewels

15. All You Fascists -- Billy Bragg and Wilco

16. Turntables -- Janelle Monae

17. Song 33 -- Noname

HORSESHOES AND HAND GRENADES – 2021 ORIGNAL MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK
Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0WX37zL7kMNxaeuuElXuAf... 

1. Come Out and Play – Billie Eilish
2. Pumpkin -- The Regrettes
3. Hold U – Indigo De Souza
4. Delayed Pursuit – Jessi Robertson
5. Chaise Longue – Wet Leg
6. Opaline – Novo Amor
7. Lanyards – The Hold Steady
8. Lost in the Citadel – Lil Nas X
9. Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself – Alex Lahey
10. Halloween – Phoebe Bridgers
11. The Night We Met – Lord Huron
12. Take Back the Power – The Interrupters
13. Dance For The Hell Of It – Lova
14. Plea From a Cat Named Virtue – The Weakerthans
15. Maybe Next Year – Niall Connolly

RUMSPRINGA: 2022 ORIGINAL MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5sIWiCMRrQYaPoX14ktgZu...

1.Has It Hit You?–The Regrettes

2.Four Letter Words–K. Flay
3.CHURCH GIRL–Beyonce
4.Calor–Conchita Velasco
5.Carnival–Andi Rae Healy
6.Sigh (Killing Eve)–Unloved
7.Salt–Ava Max
8.Hello Hello Hello–Remi Wolf
9.Texas Man–The Chicks
10.Vai Tu Sei Libero–Dalida
11.Our Song–Lara Ewen
12.Good Girl–The Go-Go’s
13. Better Now — Oh Wonder
14.Dancing On My Own–Robyn
15.Alma Seca–Juanita Euka
16.Broken Hearts/Broken Bones–Parlour Tricks
17.We’ll All Be Alright–Amy Stroup, AG

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East Side Story: 2010 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Two years ago, when I found myself in diminished circumstances, I decided to send everybody holiday CD mixes to save money. And damned if it wasn't the most well-received holiday gift season ever. So I'm doing it again, for the third year in a row. This being my first full year in New York, I decided to make a playlist of some of the lovely and amazing people that I've gotten to know. This is by no means an exhaustive list, since that would be a multi-volume work, but it's a nice sampling. Happy new year, you guys!

1. I Hope You Like This Song -- Luke Wesley
2. L.E.S. (Lovely) -- Laura Jean Binkley
3. Sara With No H -- Andy Mac
4. I Could Sing -- Nate Campany and the Serenade
5. Slow Burn -- Misty Boyce
6. Flowers -- Bryan Dunn
7. One Day -- Lara Ewen
8. Take Me Out -- Atomic Tom
9. Brooklyn -- Wakey! Wakey!
10. Selline -- Tim Blane
11. I Don't Wanna Wait -- Rosi Golan
12. Worst Is Over -- Shwa Losben
13. Love Is Here To Stay -- Casey Shea

Ackloo HQ; Friday Night; 8:14 PM

We are serious people doing serious things. Seriously.

And Then I Got Dressed As Daria And Hula-Hooped On Allen Street

Shwa Live at Flux Studios

Shwa played a Doctors Without Borders fundraiser at Flux Studios this week. It was a Halloween fundraiser, hence Marty McFly on piano and Wolverine on drums.

Robyn's CMJ Debut...Sorta!

"If anyone knows this song, come up on stage," says Nate. Well, we knew this was inevitable. Also inevitable...strategic placement of yours truly away from any microphone. Good thinking, team.

Featuring Nate Campany, Kyle Patrick, Jenn Dees, Eric Espiritu, Phil Galitzine and Adam Christgau on drums -- all of whom arguably know their way around the stage a tad better than I do. Arguably.

My Friends Are Internet Sensations

This year I became good pals with the guys in the Brooklyn band Atomic Tom, who have had something of an extraordinary year. They got signed to Universal Republic in January, and there were drinks. They've been performing their asses off, and there were post-show pizzas and omelettes and late nights and more drinks.

But with this YouTube video that they shot on the B train, things have gotten a little ridonk. I saw it when they first posted it, and only a few dozen folks had viewed it, and it made me smile. Then a couple hundred more people saw it. Then a few thousand. Then a hundred thousand. Then the New York Times paid attention. And Wired. Next thing you know, they're lighting up Twitter and their album has shot to #42 on iTunes. The Internet is amazing. And so are my pals, who are pretty handy with real instruments as well, FYI.

Congrats, guys. I hope this sudden notoriety means we can still get omelettes and stuff. Maybe now we can spring for a side of bacon, yes? Yes!

UPDATE (10/20/10): Over 2 million YouTube views, #10 album and #100 single on iTunes, a CNN appearance, and, yes, there has been bacon. And bourbon. A good amount of bourbon. Hooray for everything.

"Forever Young" Music Video

My friend Ben Wagner made an album of cover songs for his newborn daughter, featuring a lot of my pals from the NY music scene. This video for "Forever Young" features baby pictures of a lot of those musicians, and some of the more illustrious, pigtailed hangers-on (at 2:29).

Personal Assistant

Everyone needs one...

New York, I Love You

Before I ever loved a boy, I loved New York City.

I went on an 8th grade field trip to see Beauty and the Beast, stepped off the bus in the middle of Times Square, and knew what it was like to belong somewhere. I came home that night raving to my parents, and they also knew that I was never going to be Philly-for-life.

I applied to Columbia and New York University, and to some other colleges outside the city, but woke up having panic dreams that I got into Boston University, which would have been a perfectly lovely school, but as far as I was concerned it would have been a disaster. I was a tad dramatic about it. And I DID get into BU. But I got into NYU too. Smell ya later, Bahstahn.

And didn't New York deliver. I lived on Broadway and 10th, with sweeping views of Grace Church. I fell in love with a boy. I worked at the Letterman show. I took journalism classes so one day I could write for Entertainment Weekly. It was a beautiful, beautiful time.

I was 20 years old on September 11, 2001. I was in an 8:30 am digital journalism class when someone came into our room and said "I don't know what you want to do about this, but two planes just hit the World Trade Center." Only one girl got it immediately, and ran out of the room to call her mother. The rest of us stared at each other, decided to break up class, and wandered outside. I walked around the corner to LaGuardia and Washington Square South, which is where I saw the towers. Then I got it, too, and turned and walked back to my dorm at Union Square. Then I ran.

I wanted to call my parents, who worked at a military base, thinking they might know something. Nobody on the street was speaking. There was almost no traffic, save for emergency vehicles heading downtown. All the cabs had pulled over and were listening to the radio. That was the only sound. When I got home, I couldn't get a cell signal, so I went outside. In the 20 seconds it took to get outside, the south tower had evaporated, leaving a huge, black cumulonimbus cloud on the horizon. Behind me, a man emerged from the Union Square subway, and had been stuck there through everything. He asked what the hell happened. I told him, "A plane hit the building and the building fell down." Fighter jets screamed overhead. The man looked at me, and just walked past me toward the front of the crowd.

I will not pretend that my experience is the same as those who lost someone that day. Or the same as those who escaped the towers and had to walk home covered in blood and dust. Or the same as those who lost someone overseas fighting for the freedoms that were attacked that day. But I do know that after that day, I canceled my Entertainment Weekly subscription and started paying more attention to the news. I loved the band U2, but I stopped wishing Bono would shut up about politics, and instead I read about Africa. Having seen the worst that people could do to each other, to MY CITY, I chose to believe in the best of people, and wanted to work for that. That's what led me to leave NYC for DC, and what eventually called me back home to work for the ACLU.

Today I'm back in New York, watching boats traverse the East River outside of the window of my beautiful apartment, and listening to the names of victims being read on NY1. I work near Ground Zero, and still think the skyline looks wrong without the towers. It will never look right to me. I still have a hard time watching footage of the disaster, and will often physically shudder or retch when I see pictures of it.

But my relationship to New York remains the most stable and functional one in my life. I still know what it's like to belong somewhere, and I'm so grateful for this place, for its people, and for the thousand small daily moments that remind me how incredible, and indomitable, this city is. Tonight, NYC and I will have a drink, and listen to music, and gather with other people who know and appreciate that no ideology is bigger than humanity at its best.

It is still a beautiful, beautiful time.

Ackloo HQ, 9:34 PM

Real Women Ride Fake Bulls

This Saturday night, my gal friends and I dressed up cute, knocked back some whiskey, went to a bar that played karaoke-worthy hair metal and was populated with a dozen bronzed B&T bachelorette parties and rode mechanical bulls until our thighs ached.

That's pretty much it.

Oh, and we saw a lady's naughty place. Please people, if you're gonna ride the mechanical bull, be classy. Wear underpants. For the benefit of all of us. Or at least bring wetnaps. The more you know. XO

Oh, fine. Audio/visual aids below. Of me and my classy friends. Not vajayjays. Pervs.

Soup Is Not A Joke

Here's the deal, people. I'm a professional lady of many talents, but I take my homemaking skills seriously. Beds are made every morning. Brownies are made from scratch, preferably with hazelnut spread. And soup? Soup is a goddamn religion.

We all know that homemade chicken soup is infused with magical powers. It just is. But when I say homemade, I mean you don't start with a box of Campbell's broth. Bullshit. NO. You start with a damn chicken. Like Perdue. You wanna kill the sucker yourself, go for it, but really, that's magic overkill.

You immerse the chicken in water. You simmer it. You chop vegetables. You watch the Oscars for four hours while it turns into liquid gold. You tend to that sonofabitch. You drain it. You skim it. You pick its dead carcass. You get meat out of vertebrae. It's messy and involved and infused with LOVE.

Then you freeze it. You wait until you or a loved one fall ill. Then you bring it out of cryonics to save the day, like Stallone in Demolition Man. Chop up a few more veggies. Add some egg noodles. What's that, cold virus? FUCK YOU. YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR UNBEATABLE SOUP LOVE MAGIC. BE GONE.

And that's what soup is all about.

I cooked up a ton of this recently. I decided I would have it for my dinner at work this week. So I brought 2 quarts of it in Tupperware, and put it in the Ackloo fridge. Out of the way. Not taking up much space. Ahn. I'd be healthy, well-fed, and if anyone fell ill, I could easily deliver the magic elixir to them on the way home. Soup love magic!

So on Friday night, after a hard day of doing nothing much except SAVING THE WORLD AND STUFF, I just wanted a bowl of soup. So at 6, I went off to the fridge and...

Nothing.

No soup.

No Tupperware.

No magic.

No dinner.

So I did the only logical thing. I bitched about it on Twitter, fired off some incensed texts to friends about a soup thief, and then I blogged it out. It's a process.

I can only hope that this was some Les Miserables-type-shit wherein someone was so desperately ill and poor that they were too ashamed to even ask for the soup. That would be heartwarmingly lame.

But I think it was just a thieving douchenozzle.

So. Hours of preparation. Gone. Just think about that the next time you raid the office fridge. You're not just stealing dinner. You're stealing magic.

I hope you choke on a magic egg noodle, soup thief.

UPDATE: The soup apparently fell victim to an overzealous cleaning crew on Friday. I have recovered my Tupperware. I have not, however, recovered my indignation. Aggressive labeling system now in place for all fridge commodities.

In Praise of Zelda the Turkey

Like anyone else who falls in love with New York, I'm a sucker for the marquee attractions. I visit the Met at least once a month, I swoon over the skyline, and godsohelpme I love Rockefeller Center at Christmas. But it's the little things that make for an enduring affair. One of my very favorite little things about New York that few people know about is Zelda the turkey.

Maybe I'm ornithologically biased because I'm a big old birdwatching nerd, and I've mentioned Zelda briefly before, but I think the fact that there's a wild turkey living in Battery Park for no discernible reason other than she just seems to like it there is charming as hell. She even has her own Wikipedia entry. She's a bona fide New York character. And she's named after F. Scott Fitzgerald's wife, who at one point was found wandering in Battery Park in the grip of madness. If that's not New York gothic, I don't know what is.

But as for Zelda the turkey, she seems to be pretty well-adjusted. She's been in Lower Manhattan for years, she takes tourists in stride, and happily wanders among the people lining up for the Statue of Liberty ferry, though she will get a little annoyed when kids chase her. The other day she sat next to me as I ate my dinner in the park. It was awesome.

And there are no male turkeys reported in the area. Zelda does not seem to mind. She is her own turkey. We could learn a lot from Zelda.

Here's a brief video of Zelda saying hello. It's not my best cinematography, and I inadvertently cut it off early because I was so delighted she was coming over, but you get the idea. Viva Zelda.

Music Monday: Starring Lara Ewen, Luke Wesley, Grace Love, The Swell Season, Bryan Dunn,and Kelli Rae Powell

Oh, Park Slope. So manicured. So genteel. Give or take the odd brutal tire iron beating. So posh. So goddamn hard to get to from the Upper East Side. I mean, really. Can the F train work with me even once? No? Dammit, you guys.

Such is my commitment to hanging, though, that I've been clocking a lot of hours at Bar 4 lately. One of the reasons is the lovely Lara Ewen, who sings some pretty tunes when she's not getting me into a reasonable amount of trouble:



Also this week, Bar 4 hosted the Local Correspondents Tribute to Radiohead, featuring Luke Wesley:



...and Grace "American Idol-bound" Love



But it's not only folks I know rocking the Slope. On a gloriously mild evening, I went to see the Swell Season at Prospect Park, and oh my goodness, wasn't it lovely. Seriously, I think it was one of the best live shows I ever saw. This is one of the more quiet moments:



But lest the Lower East Side feel left out, I spent some time at Rockwood with Bryan Dunn, accompanied by the soon-to-be-wed Kelli Rae Powell:

Aruba Haiku-ba!

Postcards may be an endangered species. With wireless everywhere, you're never really out of touch. But I'm still a little old-school. I like sending them. And from what I gather, people still like getting them. Getting real mail is fun! The problem, though, is that it's hard to make vacation postcards exciting. You have next to no room to write (though this is less of a problem if you're a skilled Twitterattzo), but really..."Having a great time! It's lovely here! See you soon, SUCKERS." Not the world's greatest prose.

But Lisa and I have this figured out. We decided to detail last month's vacation in a bunch of haiku poems, and distribute them among our pals. We put a lot of thought into this. We made sure that no two people in the same social circle received the same poems. Of course, this assumes, pretty narcissisticly, that our pals would be so damn delighted that SURELY they would be comparing which little nuggets o'verse they received from us. Which is highly unlikely. But the point is we were being THOUGHTFUL.

So, five weeks after the fact, we're pretty sure that the third-class mail system has delivered all of the postcards (I said we were thoughtful. I didn't say we weren't cheap), so here is the complete Aruba Haiku-ba collection. Poetry, you guys. Classy stuff.

Routine
Get up, go to beach.
Drink, eat. Go to beach. Eat more.
Life is very hard.

Sunscreen
Poor application
of SPF 70
yields grotesque patterns.

The girl is splotchy.
Kerry just wanted a base.
The skin cancer brews.

Mission Statement
Our mission here is
to keep a constant buzz and
wear no proper pants.

Off-Roading
Dangerous terrain
and guess what? You are driving.
This is not a joke.

The jeep bumps along
and I never thought this was
how I'm gonna die.

Snorkeling
Parrotfish seems nice
but he's only using you
for your Wonder Bread.

Storytime
Well, in retrospect,
Kite Runner and Black Dahlia
make for weird beach reads.

Boys
Single men are scarce.
It's okay, there is some rum.
Birds flock to the bar.

Just when things look bleak
along comes the Dutch navy.
There is hope again.

Hors d'Oeuvres
Cheese is so awesome.
We eat a lot of gouda.
Yum on a triscuit.

Mistaken Identity
Who is the old guy
singing Sinatra? Oh, it's
the prime minister.

Good Morning
I don't care that it's
only 10:30. There is
rum to drink, dammit.

Cocktail Hour
Ice clinks in Robyn's
glass, signaling a request:
More coconut rum.

Uninvited Guest
The sea is tranquil.
Calm. Clear. Without disturbance.
'Til fish in my pants.

Threat From Above
Pretty sky. I look
up to see blue. Or am I
soon pelican food?

Either Way A Winner
Icy clear with salt
makes me happy. Ocean? Or
margarita glass?

Acid Reflux
Lasagna is good.
I'm uncomfortably full.
It's cool...I caught it.