Boldly Irrelevant Predictions For Lost: Seasons 1-2.5

I wanted to hate Lost. I really wanted to hate this program. I wanted to be validated by the idea that I was coolly above this phenomenon that was eating my friends' lives. Also, I spent most of my adolescence unhealthily obsessed with MST3K and the X-Files, and every ounce of social feedback I received at the time told me that well-adjusted people do not let their lives be dictated by television programs. 15 years later, you can't change the rules on me. It's not fair.

But when I left DC, my pal Lisa saw me off with the first three seasons. I told her this would take a while. She told me that was fine, that the journey would change my life, that all would become clear, that Josh Holloway (whoever he is) spends a lot of time in various stages of undress and that this was a very good thing. I acquiesced. I took the DVDs. I used them as coasters for a while. And then I set to watching the damn thing.

Okay, you guys. It's a good show.

Okay, you guys. It's a really good show.

Okay, you guys. I hate you guys.

But it still takes a lot of time to get through, and much as I'd love to join in the communal, real-time viewing of the last season, I have shit to do. So I'm still in the middle of Season 2. Which is sad, because I'll get all excited about a plot development and want to tell my Lost-inclined pals about it, but it's sort of like getting all excited about MySpace, or John Mayer, or Change We Can Believe In. There was a moment. That moment has passed. Move along.

On the other hand, considering this is a program where every little detail is potentially mind-blowingly important, I may just be in the best possible situation for the finale. Everything will be fresh in my mind. So, based on the one and a half seasons I've viewed so far, here are my impressions and predictions. And if you're not into Lost, you're not gonna understand a damn word of this. I barely even understand it. So please occupy yourself with these live shots of bunnies in Seattle until the next blog post. Good day.

So, here's what we've learned so far:

• All of your fellow air passengers are shifty with a capital Shift, and are not to be trusted as far as you can throw them, unless they know how to catch fish in a net, or are really attractive. Which a surprising number of them will be.
  
• Just when you think everything's gonna be okay, along comes a tyrannosaurus from space to eat the pilot.
  
• These people are remarkably able to emotionally bounce back after having another human being explode in front of them and subject them to a flesh shower.
  
• You can tell this show excels at blending fantastic elements with cutting realism, because even on a deserted island that might be an alternate universe that might be a military base that might be a wormhole that might be all a dream, smart and capable men will still go for the dippy, useless, please-can-you-get-shot-in-the-stomach-a-little-faster hot girl.
  
• I'm serious, if that whiny chick comes back from the dead or whatever, I'm going to be very upset.
  
• Africa. Terminally effed up in any dimension.
• No one ever suspects the returned peace corps volunteer. Even the ones who creepily watch you sleep. Of course, if you know RPCVs, you know their capacity for being covert and crafty, and surprisingly useless when it comes to killing bugs (you guys).
• Ranch dressing stays good forever...if unopened.
• The whole is-the-guy-who-fell-out-of-the-balloon-good-or-bad thing would have been a whole lot more suspenseful if I hadn't seen him win a goddamn Emmy this year.
  

Okay. So that's what we've learned. Here's what I think is gonna happen. I know a lot of this might be resolved already, but let me just put this out there:

• Upon reviewing the names of all the characters, everyone's gonna realize they would have figured a lot of this shit out sooner if they just took Mr. Ernsberger's philosophy class in Council Rock High School (really, Abrams, like you're the only one who knows who Locke, Hume, etc. are? Not even).
  
• Sayid and Rousseau are gonna do it. Do it hard.
• That Korean couple is cute. So glad they're pregnant. Can't see anything bad happening there.
• I'm putting Charlie in the death pool. I just don't see this story line going anywhere. The whole Evil Charlie thing is about as credible as the concept of an emotionally available, paternally-inclined musician.
  
• Oh yeah, the sweet, biracial, middle-aged couple? I'm not getting attached.
• Also in the death pool: Vincent the wonder dog. Frankly, I'm surprised they haven't eaten him by now anyway.
  
• All the kids are fine. They're being looked after on a sound stage somewhere until Abrams decides to make another prequel to a another beloved pop cultural institution, like Young Ghostbusters, or M*A*S*H Babies or whatever the hell.
  
• And one thing I know for a fact: They wouldn't dare do something like reset the whole series, because that would make this whole catching up endeavor null and void and that would just piss everyone off.

So, if I hit anything right, don't tell me. We'll just high five. Hopefully I can get all caught up before the finale. That way I'll only have to have wasted weeks of my life on this crap, instead of years. Suckas.