2013 Abandonment Issues

Yer Mom's Brownies

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Ackloo: Haters Gonna Hate CHAIN MAIL EDITION! (Updated)

We get some pretty interesting mail in the Ackloo inbox. Most of the time I don't give the crazies the satisfaction of a response.

And then sometimes I can't help myself. Names and emails redacted to protect the stupid. 

---Original Message-----
From: ACLU Media
Sent: Sat 1/19/2013 6:38 PM
To: DXXXXX
Subject: RE: Lucius Travler
 
Thanks for contacting us. The email you reference has been widely circulated, but does not represent the ACLU’s views. The ACLU has no knowledge of the reported event, or the photograph. The email has been debunked by the website snopes.com <http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/marines.asp>.
 
The ACLU vigorously defends the rights of all Americans to practice their faith. More on our work defending religious freedom and expression can be found here: <http://www.aclu.org/aclu-defense-religious-practice-and-expression>.

The ACLU has never had a spokesperson by the name of Lucius Traveler, and no such person exists to our knowledge. So regrettably, we cannot pass along your feedback to him personally. But thank you for your e-mail.


-----Original Message-----
From: DXXXXX [dxxxxx@yahoo.com]
Sent: Sat 1/19/2013 11:48 AM
To: ACLU Media
Subject: Lucius Travler
 
Please tell Lucius to go fuck himself. And I Pray that some raghead puts a bomb under his sorry ass. Then he will know what those wonderful kids are going through over there. DXXXXX
Sent from my iPhone
  
>>> Fw: ACLU vs USMC
 
 
HOORAH!!
ACLU vs. US Marines  THIS NEEDS TO GO AROUND THE USA MANY TIMES SO KEEP IT GOING! 

 
  
If you look closely at the picture above, you will note that all the Marines pictured are bowing their heads. That's because they're praying. This incident took place at a recent ceremony honoring the birthday of the corps, and it has the ACLU up in arms. "These are federal employees," says Lucius Traveler, a spokesman for the ACLU, "on federal property and on federal time.. For them to pray is clearly an establishment of religion, and we must nip this in the bud immediately." 
When asked about the ACLU's charges, Colonel Jack Fessender, speaking for the Commandant of the Corps said (cleaned up a bit), "Screw the ACLU." GOD Bless Our Warriors. Send the ACLU to France !
Please send this to people you know so everyone will know how stupid the ACLU is getting in trying to remove GOD from everything and every place in America May God Bless America , One Nation Under GOD!
What's wrong with the picture? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
GOD BLESS YOU FOR
 PASSING IT ON! I am sorry but I am not breaking this one....Let us pray  
Prayer chain for our Military...please don't break it
THIS NEEDS TO GO AROUND THE USA MANY TIMES SO KEEP IT GOING
>>>

The truth is out there...but probably not in a chain mail. The more you know. XO R

UPDATE (1/20/13) The crazies don't usually write back, but this time DXXXXX did, and it's not what you'd think.

-----Original Message-----
From: DXXXXX [dxxxxx@yahoo.com]
Sent: Sat 1/19/2013 8:02 PM
To: ACLU Media
Subject: Re: Lucius Travler

Thanks for your reply, and I apologize  for my outburst. It seems I was duped by that email and  I get so upset when I see disrespect for our troops. I do not plan to forward the thing. I do support some of what you do, but not everything. DXXXXX

Sent from my iPhone

So, having received the message at a tapas restaurant after four glasses of sangria, it made total sense to write back.


-----Original Message-----
From: ACLU Media
Sent: Sat 1/19/2013 10:03 PM
To: DXXXXX
Subject: Re: Lucius Travler

Completely understandable. And no worries. We're kinda used to it here. :)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I think we've done a lot for national harmony, you guys. 
  

 
 
 

The Jeopardy Video

For the sake of maintaining the archives, the video of my Jeopardy appearance is back online after an extended hiatus. Thrill as a slightly younger and slightly fleshier Robyn stops just short of game show glory! See it again for the first time! Party like it's 2007!

Part 1:



And the exciting conclusion:

The Shep Hits the Fan: 2012 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

2012. You started out pretty damn well. And then you went goofy. Profoundly goofy. You imploded relationships and friendships for no other discernible reason other than you just wanted to watch us all spiral. You sent half my pals to Los Angeles. You dumped a huge, cold, dark, rainy turd named Sandy on my city. You broke my heart, scared the hell out of me and made my football team suck. A lot.

And then, at the very end, you decided to clean yourself up, get your shit together and stop being such a See You Next Tuesday. Astounding things happened in the world that gave me confidence in my work like I've never had before, and made me feel something like an honest-to-god grownup. My bank account may not have swelled, but it at least plateaued -- and that is an epic ACHIEVEMENT, people. I started writing again, and felt awesome about it. Friendships were mended. Conditions were stabilized. And you gave me a few reasons to rock an evening gown, and that's not nothing.

You were not my favorite year, 2012. Watching you unravel most of the time was like watching a drunk person roller-skate in traffic with a bucket on its head. Why is this happening? What am I seeing? Are we gonna die? Where did you even get roller skates?

But it all seemed to come ambivalently together in the end. It may not be "happily ever after." But it's at least "chill til the next episode." And I can live with that.

It's been real, 2012. Let's never do this again.

1. Generals -- The Mynabirds
2. I Don't Believe You -- Greg Holden
3. Mayday -- Jessi Robertson
4. When Your Mind's Made Up -- Cast of Once: A New Musical
5. Love it When You Call -- The Feeling
6. Drive All Night -- NEEDTOBREATHE
7. Wrecking Ball -- Creeper Lagoon
8. Gold Guns Girls -- Metric
9. Get Used To It -- Ben Lee
10. Battered Apartments -- Luke Wesley
11. Sweetheart of the Music Hall -- Bryan Dunn
12. So Cry -- Shwa Losben (live from Rockwood Music Hall)
13. Gotta Get Up From Here -- Ellie Lawson
14. Something Bigger, Something Better -- Amanda Blank
15. Some Bridges are Good to Burn -- Kelli Rae Powell
16. Philadelphia (the City of Brotherly Love) -- We Are Augustines
17. Hang with Me -- Robyn
18. 45 -- Brian Webb
19. Going Gone -- Abby Ahmad

Past mixes

E-A-G-L-E-S

Strawberry Jam Bars and the Fine Art of Cheat Cooking

As satisfying and deceptively easy it can be to make stuff from scratch, sometimes you just want some Duncan Hines on your palate. A little Betty Crocker down your gullet. Some Pillsbury knocking on your epiglottis. It's like the difference between Pizza Hut and pizzeria pizza. I KNOW they're different, because I am not stupid. I KNOW what the superior product is. But sometimes I want a little stuffed crust in my life, and that's OKAY.

But just because you're using a mix, it doesn't mean you can't be versatile. Take, for example, this recipe for strawberry jam bars. It's super easy, relatively labor free, and done in an hour start to finish.

First, get a box of yellow cake mix. Today we have opted for Betty Crocker SuperMoist Butter Recipe Yellow, because that is what was on sale.

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. Then, melt 3/4 cup of butter. This is about a stick and a half. So this is a lot of butter. Anytime we're using more than a stick you can be assured we are not screwing around.

Empty the contents of the cake mix into a large bowl. Then add 2 1/2 cups of oats. Use the old fashioned kind. Not the quick cooking kind. I don't know why for certain, but I'm under the impression it will eff your ess up. And no one likes an effed ess.


Make a well in the middle of the oat/cake mix mixture and pour the butter in. Gradually mix the butter into the cake mix until it's been fairly consistently butter-ified and is crumbly, like this:



Grease a 13x9x2 pan. Really grease it, because the finished product is fairly sticky. Spoon half of the cake mixture into the bottom of the pan. Press it down firmly so it covers the bottom. Like this:



Take a 12 oz jar of strawberry preserves. Dump the whole sucker into a small bowl. Add a tablespoon of water. Mix it up and then carefully spread over the cake mix in the pan. You don't have to go all the way to the edges, but try to cover as much of the surface as possible.

Then take the rest of the cake mix still in the bowl, and spoon it over the preserves. Carefully pat this layer with your fingers so it creates a fairly firm top, but doesn't mush too badly into the fruit layer. It should look like this:



Bake the bars in the oven for 20 minutes, or until the top layer is light brown. It should smell amazeballs. Let it cool completely before you cut them. Then eat the crap out of it:



And there you are! You can even change up the preserves and use blueberry, raspberry, peach, apple...whatever. An original treat, helped along ever so slightly by the good people of Betty Crocker. Because sometimes, cheating is a good thing.