The Holiday Mixtapes: Back Issues

A Very Shepherd Chrismukkah: 2008 Holiday Mix

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3EIn0NOjsdJHTv5drSovuz?si=1e4fe87483a848c4

1. The Christmas Wish -- John Denver and the Muppets
2. Santa Claus Is Back In Town -- Elvis Presley
3. Christmas Blues -- Ramsey Lewis Trio
4. The Lonely Jew On Christmas -- South Park
5. Little Saint Nick -- Beach Boys
6. The Christmas Song -- Nat King Cole
7. All I Want For Chanukah (Is Hookers And Blow) -- Shwa Losben
8. Fairytale Of New York -- The Pogues
9. Merry Xmas -- Slade
10. Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight) -- The Ramones



#2009: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2JhGXzK5NKpkVcBqyg1NKc?si=64be19ef567b4b13 

1. Sultan -- What Made Milwaukee Famous
2. Hang On -- Illinois
3. Good On Paper -- Shwa Losben
4. Let It Ride -- Wes Tucker and the Skillets
5. Stay Positive -- The Hold Steady
6. I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight -- U2
7. Stronger -- Rebecca Loebe
8. Martha -- Brian Webb
9. Dracula Moon -- Joan Osborne
10. Better Alone -- Chris Cubeta and the Liars Club
11. Go -- Andy Mac
12. Constructive Summer -- The Hold Steady
13. Silverline -- Bryan Dunn
14. Clear -- Lara Ewen and the Unstrung Orchestra



Valentine's Day Mix (2010)

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5W8K0hWeCoh4DSKnbL5Kr5?si=5d067c30b80d442c

1. This Bouquet -- Ani DiFranco
2. Mulder and Scully -- Catatonia
3. Only You -- Yaz
4. Do Ya -- Matthew Sweet
5. Bad Reputation -- Freedy Johnston
6. Amy -- Shwa
7. There Tonight -- Rebecca Loebe
8. Temptation -- Moby
9. Strange Currencies -- REM
10. Blame You -- Wakey! Wakey!
11. Out To Get You -- James
12. New York City -- Taylor Davis
13. Romeo and Juliet -- Indigo Girls
14. Ballad of Emily Rose -- Bryan Dunn
15. Moment of Surrender -- U2



East Side Story: 2010 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/71sg6TNnMKDMq8ru7jD7g8?si=c542b0774c8a476a

1. I Hope You Like This Song -- Luke Wesley
2. L.E.S. (Lovely) -- Laura Jean Binkley
3. Sara With No H -- Andy Mac
4. I Could Sing -- Nate Campany and the Serenade
5. Slow Burn -- Misty Boyce
6. Flowers -- Bryan Dunn
7. One Day -- Lara Ewen
8. Take Me Out -- Atomic Tom
9. Brooklyn -- Wakey! Wakey!
10. Selline -- Tim Blane
11. I Don't Wanna Wait -- Rosi Golan
12. Worst Is Over -- Shwa Losben
13. Love Is Here To Stay -- Casey Shea

Valentine's Day Mix 2011

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5xZnw7P0b9iJBLzyVnd4F8?si=8553e0b292364587 

1. Under the Lights -- Scourge of the Sea
2. Collect Call --Metric
3. Yesterday Threw Everything at Me -- Athlete
4. The Shore -- Basia Bulat
5. Talk to You -- Brian Webb
6. missing piece -- illinois
7. Love Will Come Through -- Travis
8. What is the Light? -- Flaming Lips
9. Sad Eyes -- Josh Rouse
10. As Is -- Ani DiFranco
11. Needles and Pins -- Ramones

Whiskey and Wellbutrin: 2011 Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0gB9bnKYKzcqG9TS6lnABN?si=d9e5f23f79084911

1. Almost Everything -- Wakey! Wakey!
2. Three Years On -- Bryan Dunn
3. Reckless -- Lara Ewen
4. You Can Make Him Like You -- The Hold Steady
5. Dead Man's Saloon -- Creeper Lagoon
6. Bar on A -- Greg Holden
7. Rip Her to Shreds -- Blondie
8. The Cowboy Song -- Kelli Rae Powell
9. Fading Lately -- Katie Costello
10. Treat the Disease -- Shwa Losben
11. Pretty Boy -- Luke Wesley
12. Break My Heart Around You -- Atomic Tom
13. Star Pupil -- Abby Ahmad
14. If You Don't Mind (Baby Go Ahead) -- Alec Gross
15. World United Already -- Wheat
16. Head Full of Doubt -- The Avett Brothers
17. Whiskey and Cigarettes -- Jessi Robertson
18. You're Aging Well -- Dar Williams

Valentine's Day Mix 2012

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0N7yYIGY5aBU0FiNluJwMu?si=d43917809db44637

1. Kiss Me Deadly -- Lita Ford
2. Half Light -- Athlete
3. You and Me -- Jessi Robertson
4. Nothing's As Good -- Andy Mac
5. Cassette Tape -- Katie Costello
6. Here Is Your Ballad -- Luke Wesley
7. You, South Dakota -- Bryan Dunn
8. an open door -- illinois
9. Guy What Takes His Time -- Kelli Rae Powell
10. A Good Life -- Jill Sobule
11. Under the Moonlight -- Travis
12. Think of Me -- Rosi Golan
13. The Outlaw Song -- Lara Ewen

The Shep Hits the Fan: 2012 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6XT77Svf2xEFg3ckmWl8mQ?si=19d337ce4b4743c5 

1. Generals -- The Mynabirds
2. I Don't Believe You -- Greg Holden
3. Mayday -- Jessi Robertson
4. When Your Mind's Made Up -- Cast of Once: A New Musical
5. Love it When You Call -- The Feeling
6. Drive All Night -- NEEDTOBREATHE
7. Wrecking Ball -- Creeper Lagoon
8. Gold Guns Girls -- Metric
9. Get Used To It -- Ben Lee
10. Battered Apartments -- Luke Wesley
11. Sweetheart of the Music Hall -- Bryan Dunn
12. So Cry -- Shwa Losben (live from Rockwood Music Hall)
13. Gotta Get Up From Here -- Ellie Lawson
14. Something Bigger, Something Better -- Amanda Blank
15. Some Bridges are Good to Burn -- Kelli Rae Powell
16. Philadelphia (the City of Brotherly Love) -- We Are Augustines
17. Hang with Me -- Robyn
18. 45 -- Brian Webb
19. Going Gone -- Abby Ahmad

Everyone Says Hi: 2013 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2WqGIPKlz4Xu46Dt6ZT1Kl?si=adb399225bb2400f

1. Massive Nights -- The Hold Steady
2. Like Lightning -- Lucero
3. Brooklyn Girls -- Shwa Losben
4. Every Band We Ever Loved -- Henry Clay People
5. Yonder -- The Love Leighs
6. Litte Mascara -- The Replacements
7. Better Off Without a Wife -- Tom Waits
8. Moment for Life -- Nicki Minaj
9. In These Shoes -- Kirsty McColl
10. Nothing to Prove -- Jill Sobule
11. Like a Friend -- Pulp
12. Missing You -- Bryan Dunn
13. Lower East Side -- Justin Townes Earle
14. A Way to You -- Lara Ewen and the Unstrung Orchestra
15. Muume wa Mtu -- The Dataz
16. Lullaby for Bad Girls -- Kelli Rae Powell
17. Always Love -- Nada Surf
18. She's Got Something -- Greg Holden
19. Are You Listening? -- A City on a Lake

Annual Review: 2014 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/630gmXL4y9Bdsh74fNOEPW?si=14fcc366d74e4aef 

1. FUCKERY LEVEL 3000 -- Jean Grae
2. One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces -- Ben Folds Five
3. My Life -- Richard McGraw
4. She's So Happy Now -- Bryan Dunn
5. Bodies -- Soul Miner's Daughter
6. 17 Again -- Eurythmics
7. How to Be Your Girl -- Lara Ewen
8. Love Don't Turn Your Back on Me Now -- Jesse Ruben
9. One for My Baby (And One More for the Road) -- Stacey Kent
10. Black Dress -- Mercy Bell
11. What Makes a Good Man -- The Heavy
12. Mother Feather -- Mother Feather
13. Annie in Luck -- Shwa Losbem
14. Lipstick -- Jessi Robertson
15. Kids in NY -- The Julie Ruin
16. The Weekenders -- The Hold Steady
17. Pink Rabbits -- The National
18. The City -- The 1975
19. Here Comes a Regular -- The Replacements

Number One Single: 2015 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4BSesysoXx7cXGVJHmeZMN?si=8e7e029b8bb84bf0 

1. Kentucky Bourbon -- Murder By Death

2. Let the Good Times Roll -- JD McPherson

3. Mama Your Boys Will Find a Home -- Scissors for Lefty

4. Whatever Makes You Happy -- Jennifer Hudson

5. Bukowski -- Parlor Tricks

6. Philadelphia -- The Love Leighs

7. Can't Bring Me Down -- Awreeoh

8. underneatu -- Jean Grae

9. All Good Cowboys -- Mercy Bell

10. All the Way There -- Lara Ewen

11. New Mercedes -- Bryan Dunn

12. Sharpening the Knives -- Jessi Robertson

13. Never Too Soon To Compromise (Yourself and All Your Values!) -- Shwa Losben

14. California -- Rebecca Loebe

15. Don't Hold Your Breath -- Athlete

16. Justine -- T Bird and the Breaks

17. Don't Slow Down Zachary -- Kelli Rae Powell

18. Q&A -- Abby Ahmad

19. The Revealing -- Chris Ayer

20. Sylvia -- Pulp

This is Fine: 2016 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2feNNVSjPG8kvPMRvJ6o0G?si=f1966dfe90ab4409 

1. Everybody Wants To Rule the World -- Lorde
2. This Land is Your Land -- Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings
3. Dear Mr. Man -- Prince
4. Swingers -- Bryan Dunn
5. Natural Disaster -- Mother Feather
6. Wicked Tongue -- Fife & Drom
7. He's on the Beach -- Kirsty MacColl
8. Scared of America -- Jesse D. Ruben
9. Democracy -- Leonard Cohen
10. War Sweater -- Wakey! Wakey!
11. If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next -- Manic Street Preachers
12. My Shot -- The Roots
13. Tinsel Take Down -- Luke Wesley
14. Mr. November -- The National
15. Walk in the Park -- Parlour Tricks
16. Rock 'N' Roll Suicide -- David Bowie

Not Here For This Crap: 2017 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/user/robyniwitz/playlist/1SKoMK6NZoSmY3wtXARxmJ 

1. I'm Afraid of Americans, David Bowie
2. Clampdown, The Clash
3. Do It With a Rockstar, Amanda Palmer
4. Step Off, Kacey Musgraves
5. 76%, Jean Grae
6. Tonight Ain't Gonna Be Good, Lucero
7. She Owns the Streets, The Raveonettes
8. Get Home Safely, Kissy Girls
9. Needed Me, Rihanna
10. Stand By Me, Ki:Theory
11. Blankest Year, Nada Surf
12. Show Me, Kristin Kontrol
13. We the People..., A Tribe Called Quest
14. Marguerita, Rebecca Loebe
15. Chimpanzees, Dynamite James
16. The KKK Took My Baby Away, The Ramones
17. Alternative Ulster, Stiff Little Fingers
18. Sins of My Youth, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
19. City People, Sweet Soubrette
20. We Were Here, BOY
21.And You Get a Car! And You! And You!, Maude Gun

The Me Decade: 2018 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/user/robyniwitz/playlist/4V3Uow08Kb3HCG49vEZR8Z?si=JS-HLLC2Rd6PtehGzOE73w�

1. If You Love Me — Kate Vargas
2. New Agenda — Janet Jackson
3. Long Long Time — Guy Forsyth
4. I Want You — Fefe Dobson
5. Constellation Baby — Mother Feather
6. Dangerous — Caves & Clouds
7. Lost On Me — Abby Ahmad
8. Married Man — Rebecca Loebe
9. What’ll I Do — Nobody’s Girl
10. Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You (Texas Woman Song) — The Love Leighs
11. Queen of New York — Tancred
12. I Miss You — Kacey Musgraves
13. Outta My Way — Kasey Williams
14. She — Laura Mvula
15. Johnny Cash — Kelley McRae
16. June — Jo Kroger
17. BITS part 2: The Fear — Jean Grae
18. We Only Come Out At Night — The Sugar Stems
19. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right — Kesha

Changing Climates: 2019 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0bOUeQx1KBJZg794oPo9ie?si=afm1hp3GT0a-CG9PJ_m_tw 

1. Beautiful -- The Go-Go's

2. What's Up Danger -- Blackway, Black Caviar

3. Making the Most of the Night -- Carly Rae Jepsen

4. No Man's Land -- Karen Dahlstrom

5. The Last Wig Shop -- Lara Ewen

6. All This Useless Beauty -- Elvis Costello

7. Surfin Bird -- The Ramones

8. Eh La Bas -- Leyla McCalla

9. My Friend Has a Swimming Pool -- Mausi

10. Contigo -- Yaniza

11. Love Untold -- Paul Westerberg

12. You're Gonna Remember -- Kate Vargas

13. Ultraviolet -- E.W. Harris

14. Risk -- Metric

15. Even Though -- Shwa Losben

16. Love is All Around -- Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

This Was All So Unnecessary: 2020 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2mPq4XMcUb0w32jPbgLnLu?si=aOkks6rLQ6-oNBJ_KgOuHg

1. La Grippe -- Squirrel Nut Zippers

2. This Will All End in Tears -- Bryan Dunn

3. Losing Streak -- Jessi Robertson

4. Under the Table -- Fiona Apple

5. I Feel Like Funkin' It Up -- Rebirth Brass Band

6. You're a Dead Man -- Mother Feather

7. My Best Friend's Weddings -- The Chicks

8. The Whole World Lost Its Head -- The Go-Go's

9. Hackensack -- Fountains of Wayne

10. Hello in There -- John Prine

11. Just One Of the Guys -- Jenny Lewis

12. Antifa Dance -- Ana Tijoux

13. This Man -- Robert Clay

14. walking in the snow -- Run the Jewels

15. All You Fascists -- Billy Bragg and Wilco

16. Turntables -- Janelle Monae

17. Song 33 -- Noname

HORSESHOES AND HAND GRENADES – 2021 ORIGNAL MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK
Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0WX37zL7kMNxaeuuElXuAf... 

1. Come Out and Play – Billie Eilish
2. Pumpkin -- The Regrettes
3. Hold U – Indigo De Souza
4. Delayed Pursuit – Jessi Robertson
5. Chaise Longue – Wet Leg
6. Opaline – Novo Amor
7. Lanyards – The Hold Steady
8. Lost in the Citadel – Lil Nas X
9. Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself – Alex Lahey
10. Halloween – Phoebe Bridgers
11. The Night We Met – Lord Huron
12. Take Back the Power – The Interrupters
13. Dance For The Hell Of It – Lova
14. Plea From a Cat Named Virtue – The Weakerthans
15. Maybe Next Year – Niall Connolly

RUMSPRINGA: 2022 ORIGINAL MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5sIWiCMRrQYaPoX14ktgZu...

1.Has It Hit You?–The Regrettes

2.Four Letter Words–K. Flay
3.CHURCH GIRL–Beyonce
4.Calor–Conchita Velasco
5.Carnival–Andi Rae Healy
6.Sigh (Killing Eve)–Unloved
7.Salt–Ava Max
8.Hello Hello Hello–Remi Wolf
9.Texas Man–The Chicks
10.Vai Tu Sei Libero–Dalida
11.Our Song–Lara Ewen
12.Good Girl–The Go-Go’s
13. Better Now — Oh Wonder
14.Dancing On My Own–Robyn
15.Alma Seca–Juanita Euka
16.Broken Hearts/Broken Bones–Parlour Tricks
17.We’ll All Be Alright–Amy Stroup, AG

SHIVA DISCO: 2023 ORIGINAL MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK

Spotify Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ltgTnsX5ukuCxbnNh8Zbz?si=e2331e4dce604229 

1. Distracted -- Niall Connolly

2. Float -- Janelle Monae, Seun Kuti, Egypt 80

3. How I Like It -- carly and martina

4. Nobody Speaks to the Captain No More -- Jimmy Buffett

5. Listen To Your Heart -- Roxette

6. The Optimist -- Evie Irie

7. Kiss Me On the Bus -- The Replacements

8. Electricity -- Silk City, Dua Lipa, Diplo, Mark Ronson

9. Bossy -- Kelis, Too $hort

10. Send for Me -- The National

11. Do It Like This -- A$ton Wyld

12. Look What You Made Me Do -- Jack Leopards & The Dolphin Club

13. Sixers -- The Hold Steady

14. You're On Your Own, Kid -- Taylor Swift

15. And So It Goes -- Billy Joel

...AND FIND OUT: 2024 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Spotify Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6HHY18OllL9OMB1Bs9GVGQ?si=ded5c68922c94e6c

1. Sit Down -- James

2. Why Can't I -- Liz Phair

3. 1 Thing -- Amerie

4. Evidências --  Chitãozinho & Xororó

5. Me and Bobby McGee -- Kris Kristofferson

6. Gorilla -- Little Simz

7. Muchachos, ahora nos volvimos a ilusionar -- La Mosca Tse-Tse

8. Tiene La Tarara -- Marisol

9. Sweetheart of the Music Hall -- Bryan Dunn

10. You Better Go Now -- Billie Holiday

11. Blood on Your Bootheels -- Caroline Rose

12. spite -- Billy Nomates

13. Westside Contacts -- Lara Ewen

14. Harder to Kill -- Carter Vail

15. Hold an Old Friend's Hand -- Tiffany

16. Romeo and Juliet -- Dire Straits

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DOON THOUGHTS

I just got home from seeing Denis Villeneuve's Dune and wrote out the following 13 points rather than blowing up the group chats because I am not a monster. I am, however, someone who lists out 13 points of discussion after seeing the space worm movie. Anyway. Desert power to you and yours. 

DOON THOUGHTS 

1. That was criminally excellent and also hard to believe it took this long to get it right. 

2. Extremely pleased that they removed the icky pedophilia stuff from the Baron narrative. We’ll work on the fatphobia but it’s a STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. 

3. I was always confused about this and they probably address it later but who’s house sitting Caladan during all this, is there like a Cousin Bob Atreides who’s gonna sublet the castle into multi-family units, I have questions. [editor's note: ok I understand that the book establishes Count Fenring as the housesitter but the movie does not make this clear AT ALL and I would just like to think of Imaginary Cousin Bob just King Ralphing it with his bros while all the shit goes down on Arrakis, let me live]

Meanwhile, on Caladan...

4. OMG THROPTERS. GR8 WORK, THERE. 

5. Oscar nomination for the graphic designer who stylized the Atreides crest alone, that shit is dope, I want it on my hand towels. 

6. Thufir Hawat deftly demonstrating the practicality of a good parasol while smashing gender norms, u luv 2 see it. 

7. Missed the banquet scene but did not miss the whole thing about eating rabbit tongues. Had to hug Miss Bossy a little after reading that. 

8. They do zip through some of the prophecy stuff and the Tahaddi Challenge so I can see where some folks who haven’t read the books might be a little lost, but otherwise it’s astoundingly accessible (also autocorrect changed “Tahaddi Challenge” to “Tabasco Challenge” which would have been a lot more fun and less traumatizing for everyone tbh) 

9. BUNNY RAT 💚 

10. Lol at Denis Villeneuve looking at Sting’s whole character as played in the Lynch movie and being like “nah, let's save that for later.” I know he'll show up later because LITERARY CANON, but that’s a boss move considering this is what a lot of people think of, if they think of Dune: 

"Nah."

'

11. When they first descended on the spice harvester I definitely said under my breath “yeah gurrrrrl worm time.” Also could not see the worms without thinking of the Forbidden Butthole tweet, but I think that only enriched my experience. 

12. Also definitely said aloud “aw man fuck these guys” when the Sardaukar dropped into the ecological center because seriously fuck those guys. 

13. Would absolutely see again on biggest screen possible, 10 cups of spit coffee out of 10.

Leggo My Eggos

I guess I should tell you about my weird pandemic hobby that I picked up.

It started in October, when I went to see a new GYN, who asked if ever had an AMH test done. That would be Anti-Müllerian hormone, and it tells you how many eggs you have on hand. My previous doctor had never suggested one, and since such matters weren't necessarily a priority for me at the time, I didn't even know that such a thing existed. But being a fan of self-awareness and science, I said sure.

About a week later I was getting ready to go to a members event at MoMA, and was just about to go down the escalator to the Q train when I got a call from the doc. It was a holiday, so I thought that was unusual, so I took the call. And the AMH results were not great. Like very not great. Like when I looked up my results later on a chart there was "Normal," "Low," "Very Low," and what amounts to "Women and Children to the Lifeboats Immediately." I was solidly in that last group.

I never DIDN'T want kids. I just never wanted to be a single parent. I still don't know that I want to be. But while I excel at a great many things, I still haven't quite cracked the absolute alchemy of finding someone halfway decent to like you back as much as you like them to want to sign on for such an assignment, and vice versa. I'm still working that out. And it wasn't all that pressing of an issue. Until it was. I was given the option of taking immediate action to even leave the possibility of having kids open -- or accepting that window was closing, and closing fast.

So last November I started freezing my eggs. Which means that every few weeks I stab myself in the tummy a couple times a night with hormones, and come in a couple mornings a week to get more blood taken and say hello to my new pal the transvaginal ultrasound. Then, when we've tricked my body into creating a couple of eggos and they get good and ripe, I take a day off work to get 'em sucked out and sit on the couch drinking a shitload of Gatorade and watching movies and hope they make it through freezing and slowly accrue a collection of Shepsicles that live in a lab in Midtown right near Bloomingdales.

The magic number of eggs you want to have on ice to make this endeavor worthwhile is 30, since not every one is gonna take. And once you start, you're kind of in it to win it to get to that number since anything else is a waste of your time and resources. Most folks get about 10 eggs each cycle. But because I don't have that many rounds in the chamber, it's taken me a lot more.

I just finished my fifth cycle. I will likely need at least one more (editor's note 2024: in the end I did nine cycles of meds and eight retrievals begore I got to the magic number of 30 eggs in November 2021 and I can confirm that is an absurd amount that even impressed the fertility docs). So far I have 14. I'm trying to beat my record of 5 eggs frozen in a single cycle. One time I only got 2. That sucked.

The whole thing sucks to be quite frank. The doctors are great. And the procedures are mostly covered, though I still have to lay out a chunk of cash for this ridiculous experiment. And my insurance gets "confused" frequently about what is and is not covered so I've spent a couple of hours every week since January fighting with them. I have a nurse patient advocate named Vickie who finally scared them into cutting some goddamn checks. If I do make a kid out of this endeavor, there's every chance I will name it Vickie.

If I had any queasiness about needles that's pretty much gone since I've jabbed myself over 100 times at this point. My arms and belly have perpetual green bruises, which is NOT cute. Though I have gotten alarmingly good at having to give myself injections in public restrooms when the occasion calls for it, which is not a skill I thought I'd be cultivating at this stage in my life, but it's never too late to start to develop a new talent. Also I can't have caffeine or alcohol during the process since my ovaries are so stinking DIFFICULT, so if nothing else, that was a major giveaway to my loved ones that I was UP TO SOMETHING.

And as for what happens next: I have no effing idea.

That's part of why I kept this on the D.L. for a while. Even from family. Because they would rightfully have a lot of questions, and I honestly don't have answers. I just knew that when I was faced with the possibility of never having kids I had a big ol' case of "DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO" so here we are.

I share this not just because it takes up a HUGE amount of my brainspace any given day, and NOT because I need or want advice, but because maybe it will help folks who may be in similar positions. I don't know if my AMH levels are what they are because of my age (extremely possible) or maybe ever was it so, and I just never knew (also extremely possible), but maybe my ovary-having friends would be interested in learning a little something about themselves sooner rather than later so they don’t have to find all this out on the Q train platform. Also I suck at keeping my own secrets. Other people's, sure. Mine? Awful.

Thanks for reading, and I'll let you know what's next as soon as I do. #LeggoMyEggos

On Louis CK

So apparently this is a thing that needs to be talked about because I’ve been having some surprising discussions about this, and fair warning that there’s gonna be the word “penis” and descriptions about what penis-havers do with said appendage. So.

What Louis CK did was wrong. You can feel all the ways about it. But it was wrong. And this is why. 

Listen, if I’m working late… or if I’m on a business call…or if I’m at a conference and someone has had the foresight to bring a bottle of whiskey and a bunch of us go to someone’s room for a drink (which is a regular normal thing that happens in Grownupland)… and a colleague whips his penis out and asks if he can beat off (or just commences forthwith), how easy do you think it would be for me to work with him again? How comfortable will I be going back into the office? It’s weird enough when a co-worker asks you out on a date — which is why there are rules about this kind of thing — let along even asking about doing what Louis did.

Now imagine it’s your boss. Or someone powerful in an industry in which you hope to get ahead. Now you know what they think of you, and the degree of respect in which they hold you. What do you think your odds of advancement are now? Moreover, now you know what you think of THEM and how difficult it would be to have a meeting with them, or even look them in the eye. They have given you three choices: report them to HR, interrupt your career and leave your job, or just take it, giving them the satisfaction of knowing they got away with it. 

And reporting anyone to HR for harassment, which is absolutely an option, is NOT FUN. Especially if it’s your direct supervisor or a senior person in the field. Your motives will be scrutinized. You will have to answer uncomfortable questions. And even if HR does the right thing and removes that person and you know you did the right thing, you will never feel great about it.

And yes, I know from experience. And yes, I have almost never talked about it. Because it was deeply unpleasant. It did not involve dick-presentations, but it did involve extremely inappropriate and uncomfortable things said by a direct boss, repeatedly, to me and other women. Just the idea of thinking what I would have done if he took his schlong out or even asked if he could makes me physically ill.

And even if it’s not a professional situation, it’s wrong. If a friend did this to me, he would no longer be my friend. Even if you are on a date, there are infinite scenarios in which this is not okay. Good rule of thumb, if the circumstances are such that the presentation of genitalia or the suggestion of such would be shocking or surprising, such actions should not be pursued jeezustapdancingchrist did I really just have to spell that out.

The “classic” (ugh) weiner-exposing scenario that is practically an unwanted merit badge for women in NYC is the subway perv. If you or someone you know has ever had the honor of having some weirdo whip it out on the subway or somewhere like that, it’s unsettling and awful and stays with you for a long, long time. Of course I’m not traumatized to the point where I can’t use mass transit — I doubt I’d have the choice anyway — but I think about it every time I’m in that subway stop, and I kick myself for not telling the cop I saw a minute afterward because I just didn’t want the inevitable hassle. And I remember his stupid arrogant face, knowing he was doing something that made me uncomfortable that I would likely do nothing about. And this is a stranger’s dick that I saw for half a second five years ago. It’s a sick power thing. It’s wrong for the subway perv, so it’s definitely wrong for someone with actual power over you and your life to do it.

And fine, if we have to play the “what if it were your [fill in the female relation of choice]….” If this is harmless, how would you feel if someone did this to your wife or daughter or niece? How would you feel for that person to go forth without consequence? How would you feel meeting them at a company event? Would you shake their hand? (Now please practice empathy so you don’t have to pretend something awful happened to someone you know in order to recognize something as awful, please and thank you.)

And here’s the thing: if you’re still feeling super conflicted or defensive about this — you can still enjoy his work. You can still think he’s funny or enjoy his show. You can feel sympathetic and hope he gets help. Or you can feel angry and hope he never works again. Or you can feel anything in between. Life is deep and rich and weird and complicated and god knows the list of problematic things I enjoy is long and robust. This is your god-given right to that thing we call perspective.

But what you can’t say is that he did nothing wrong. It's more than just a gross creepy thing you can laugh about later, and it's not that dicks in and of themselves are scary (though, lezbehonest, they are pretty silly-looking floppy little things). His actions had actual consequences on people's lives. 

Yeah, he’s done some brilliant stuff. The women he mentored and harassed who consequently left the industry because of his behavior and the harm they felt he could do to their career if they spoke up might have also done some brilliant work. But we won’t know that. And he needs to be held to account.  

And if you're STILL confused about why this is harmful...then okay, but I genuinely hope that you or someone you know never has to find out otherwise through personal experience.